Personal Agency . . .

The person your future self is counting on

What was Angela, founder of Age on Purpose, a consulting and wellness hub for Alzheimer's prevention, thinking ten years ago when she walked away from a six-figure consulting job she loved-with no other job in sight?

That's exactly what friends and family wanted to know as they urged her to slow down, pull back, and reconsider her self-described decision to "jump without a net." Some told her she was crazy.

Angela knew that wasn't true. She wasn't crazy. She was scared. Scared of letting fear run her life.

What we come to regret

"I asked myself who I would want to see in the mirror at age 90 looking back on my life," she told me.

"Did I want to see a timid woman who stayed put out of fear," she said, "or a gutsy broad who walked away with not much of a plan but a firm belief in my ability to create my own future?"

Angela has what we might call guts, courage or even chutzpah. Psychologists call it personal agency: the belief that you can make effective decisions, recover from mistakes and shape your own life.

"It starts with understanding we have the ability to influence ourselves and choose our own behaviors," she said. "That changes the direction of life, and that's the whole point."

That mindset carried her from special education teacher to 13 years as a Mary Kay sales director (yes, with the pink car), then to an educational neuroscience company. Eventually, she became certified in the ReCODE protocol for Alzheimer's prevention and reversal of early symptoms. I met Angela five years ago after my mother's battle with dementia, when I joined her online support group.

A foundational superpower

Before we can fully use our talents, or develop new ones, we first need to believe we can influence our own lives. That's the essence of personal agency.

Researchers generally describe four components:

• Intentionality: creating strategies and plans to pursue meaningful goals.
• Forethought: anticipating consequences and thinking ahead.
• Self-management: regulating emotions and sustaining effort.
• Adaptability: monitoring progress and adjusting course.

Acting with intention

Angela may have arrived intuitively at what Cornell University psychologist Tom Gilovich discovered in his landmark research on, The Ideal Road Not Taken. Our greatest regrets tend to come not from mistakes we've actually made but from opportunities we never pursued.

I recognized that feeling while avoiding completing a novel I'd started years earlier. Every doubt lined up in front of me. What if I couldn't write fiction? Even if I could, who would care? And how would I ever get anyone to read it?

Fear of regret became my greatest motivation. Finishing Unexpected wasn't just about writing a novel. It became something I needed to do-or risk looking back ashamed that I'd left it half finished.

Your ideal self

That idea also squares with Gilovich's research. He found that nearly three-quarters of people reported regrets tied to falling short of their ideal selves. Only a quarter focused primarily on obligations they had failed to meet.

My ideal self doesn't leave meaningful work unfinished. She tackles unfamiliar challenges believing she can learn what's required. She worries less about what others think and more about becoming someone who acted instead of hesitated. Above all, she doesn't want to become the person who wished she'd done more.

Angela reached much the same conclusion. She imagined looking back decades later and knew she'd regret allowing fear to decide for her. She also understood something experience has taught many entrepreneurs: clarity often follows commitment.

"When you make a decision," she told me, "things open up that you didn't see before."

What we can control

Personal agency isn't magical thinking. It doesn't assume we can control circumstances. It assumes we can influence our response to them.

If we lack skills or resources, we can acquire them.

In my case, that meant enrolling in an MFA in creative writing to build both the craft and, frankly, the external accountability I needed to finish a book-length manuscript.

None of us can control what happens outside ourselves. But we always retain some measure of choice in how we respond.

Angela anticipated moments when leaving her secure job would shake her confidence. Before those moments arrived, she gave the people closest to her simple instructions.

"I told them, there would come a time when I'd say 'I can't do this' or 'I should have stayed in my job.' When that happens, don't try to solve it for me," she instructed them. "Just say, 'You've got this. It'll be okay.'"

Looking ahead

I know there's something around the corner that will scare me enough to make me think, at least at first, that I can't handle it. Promoting Unexpected when it launches next April ranks high on that list. So does building a new chapter with my husband as he nears retirement. So does the day I can no longer play tennis. And, inevitably, the loss of people I love.

Research suggests that believing we can influence our lives lowers stress and improves well-being. Perhaps that's because agency reminds us that while we can't choose every circumstance, we can choose our response.

Like Angela, I'll keep asking myself:

'If I weren't afraid, what would I do?'

What would you do?